he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
