Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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