Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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