I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Boobs speak an international language.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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