Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
