I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
