you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
