i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize