i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
