This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
