This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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