Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
