I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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