I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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