Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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