Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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