Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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