Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
