Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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