Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
