i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
they're like a gay fantastic four
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
and you fell through a lawn chair
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
