I wanna passion pit in your ass
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
