You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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