Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
