I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
