I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
