the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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