some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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