The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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