Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
