Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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