Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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