doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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