I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
