i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
