There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
