just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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