haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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