matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
