dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
