god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
