Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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