I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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