did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
