I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
