I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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