I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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