the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
