I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
