Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
